The Power of Our Pain

In the face of deep-seated conflict, particularly one as long-standing and bitter as the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, many would assume that reconciliation is a distant hope, if not entirely impossible. But there exists a beacon of hope in the form of the Parents Circle --- Families Forum (PCFF), an organisation made up of over 750 bereaved families, both Israeli and Palestinian, who have lost loved ones to the conflict. These families have made the extraordinary choice to pursue reconciliation instead of revenge. Their work offers a powerful example of how principles of restorative justice and reconciliation can be employed in conflict settings.
 

Established in 1995, the Parents Circle was born out of the shared pain of bereavement — a collective experience that transcends ethnic, religious or national identities. In fact, the first Palestinian members of the Parents Circle were originally from Gaza.

At the heart of their work is the belief that dialogue and understanding can serve as antidotes to hatred and polarisation. They bring together bereaved Israelis and Palestinians to share their personal stories of loss with the general public, not to compete over whose suffering is greater, but to foster a sense of shared humanity. In these meetings, participants listen to the other’s pain, gradually building a foundation of empathy and mutual understanding. This act of storytelling — telling the truth of one’s experience and hearing the truth of another — lies at the core of restorative justice.

The strength of the Parents Circle lies in the powerful personal stories of its members, many of whom have faced unimaginable loss and found ways to reconnect through dialogue. Four remarkable examples are Robi Damelin, Bassam Aramin, Layla Alshekh and Yonatan Zeigen  whose stories are a testament to the power of restorative justice.
 

Robi Damelin lost her son, David, an Israeli soldier, to a Palestinian sniper in 2002. David wa passionate about peace and had opposed his deployment to the occupied territories. In the wake of his death, Robi could have chosen to live in anger and bitterness. Instead, she chose to channe her pain into building understanding between Israelis and Palestinians. She became a leading voice in the Parents Circle, advocating for a reconciliation process to be a precursor and an integral part of any political agreement between both sides. Robi has reached out to her son’s killer, seeking not revenge, but a path to reconciliation. She says that she understands that the sniper saw his uncle violently killed when he was young and so he went on a path of revenge. She has also supported the release of the sniper from prison in exchange for a hostage release.
 

Similarly, Bassam Aramin, a bereaved Palestinian father, lost his 10-year-old daughter, Abir, who was killed by an Israeli border police officer in 2007. Bassam, however, is no stranger to the complexities of the conflict. As a young man, he was imprisoned for planning an attack against Israeli soldiers. While in prison, Bassam began to study the history of the Holocaust, which radically altered his perspective on violence and revenge. After his release, he became a peace activist and, following his daughter’s death, he turned his grief into a commitment to working for peace alongside bereaved Israeli families. He says that if the soldier who killed his daughter should come to ask him for forgiveness, he would grant him forgiveness, for himself, not for the soldier. His ability to work with those on the opposite side of the conflict is a profound testament to the capacity for empathy and understanding, even in the most difficult circumstances.
 

Layla Alshekh’s story is a heartbreaking testament to the cost of this conflict. Layla, a Palestinian mother from Batir, lost her 6-month-old son, Qusay, during an Israeli military operation in 2001 during which he inhaled tear gas and was prevented from getting medical attention in a timely manner. The tragic loss of her infant son was a devastating turning point in her life, one that left her shattered and consumed by grief. After 16 years, despite her pain, Layla chose to join the Parents Circle, seeking to transform her sorrow into a call for peace and dialogue. She believes that no mother should ever have to endure such loss, and her commitment to reconcilition reflects a deep desire for a different future — one where all children can grow up in safety. Layla’s journey is a powerful example of the courage it takes to choose peace in the face of unimaginable tragedy.
 

Yonatan Zeigen adds another layer to the tragedy and commitment to reconciliation. Yonatan is newly bereaved, having lost his mother, Vivian Silver, a prominent peace activist, on October 7, 2023. Vivian Silver was dedicated to fostering connections between Israelis and Palestinians and was a vocal advocate for feminism and peacebuilding throughout her life. In the wake of her death, Yonatan has joined the Parents Circle, continuing the legacy of his mother. In a recent i terview, Yonatan referred to the remains of his mother’s burned home saying: Another person could come here and say this is the reason to kill Palestinians … I stand here and say this is the reason to fight for peace. So this won’t happen again … If the very militants who destroyed this kibbutz came to him now saying they were ready to negotiate for peace … he would listen openly.

This process of sharing and listening allows people to break down the psychological walls that have been erected by years of fear, hatred and propaganda.

For many, especially those who have suffered personal loss, engaging in dialogue with ‘the en my’ seems counterintuitive. This process of sharing and listening allows people to break down the psychological walls that have been erected by years of fear, hatred and propaganda. It helps them see ‘the other’ as a human being rather than an abstract enemy.
 

The recent events of 7 October 2023 and its aftermath have intensified these challenges. The scale of violence, the heightened fear and the renewed sense of vulnerability have made it even harder for individuals to open themselves to humanising the other side. Many are experiencing a raw and immediate grief that makes the idea of reconciliation feel distant, if not impossible. Yet, it is precisely during such times of heightened trauma that the Parents Circle’s work becomes both more difficult and more necessary.
 

This process can be deeply transformative. Many participants have described how, before a tending a dialogue session with the Parents Circle, they had no interest in speaking with people from the other side. But after hearing their stories, they began to realise that, despite their diffe ences, they shared a common goal: a desire for peace and an end to the cycle of violence. Empathy is awakened and actively nurtured through these dialogues.

Building relationships in conflict settings is never easy. The Israeli-Palestinian conflict, with its deep historical roots, asymmetrical nature and ongoing violence, presents a particularly cha lenging environment for fostering relationships across divided lines. Palestinians, living under o cupation, face distinct and severe hardships that further complicate dialogue. Yet, the Parents Circle’s work demonstrates that, even in the midst of such inequality and conflict, it is possible to create and sustain relationships built on trust, empathy and a shared commitment to peace.
 

The relationships formed through the Parents Circle are not based on agreement about political solutions or historical narratives. Instead, they are based on a shared humanity — the recognition that both Israelis and Palestinians experience profound grief, and that this shared grief can be a starting point for dialogue and reconciliation. Through repeated interactions, participants develop a sense of trust and solidarity that can withstand the pressures of the surrounding conflict.

The Listening from the Heart peace education programme, developed by American Friends of the Parents Circle — Families Forum, serves as a powerful extension of the organisation’s comitment to reconciliation and restorative justice. This peace education initiative brings bereaved Israelis and Palestinians into communities that are divided or polarised around the Israeli Palestinian conflict, fostering empathy and dialogue in spaces where these values are often a sent. By creating a platform where personal stories of loss are shared directly with participants Listening from the Heart provides a structured opportunity for communities to engage with restorative justice practices.
 

Central to this work is the idea that true healing comes not from isolation or retaliation, but from engaging directly with those whom one might perceive as an enemy.
 

The programme emphasises the human impact of conflict, encouraging participants to listen deeply, confront their own biases, and recognise the shared pain experienced on both sides of the divide. Central to this work is the idea that true healing comes not from isolation or retalition, but from engaging directly with those whom one might perceive as an enemy. This initiative provides a replicable model for communities facing an importation of the conflict.

The Parents Circle’s work is not only about healing individuals; it is about cultivating a culture of peace. Restorative justice is not just a process that happens between individuals — it is a way of thinking and being that can transform entire societies. By promoting dialogue, empathy and reconciliation, the Parents Circle is helping to lay the groundwork for a future in which Israelis and Palestinians can live together in peace. Their efforts are a reminder that peace is not simply the absence of violence — it is the presence of justice, empathy, and mutual respect.

Shiri Ourian is the Executive Director of American Friends of the Parents Circle: Bereaved Israelis and Palestinians for Peace. Shiri raises crucial support for the PCFF’s peace education programmes, which aim to build reconciliation between Israelis and Palestinians based on shared values of compassion and mutual respect. Moreover, she led the development of a new peace education programme which fosters empathy, humanisation and understanding around the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Shiri can be reached at shiri@parentscirclefriends.org.
 

Article published on the 12th of December, 2024.